Nostalgia.

I can't stand the fact that I don’t post anymore.  I know that noone is really interested in what i have to say (my life mainly revolves around my kids, parenting stuff, complaints about lack of sleep and juggling my newly started business with babies). But when thoughts like this cross my mind, I try to remember what was the reason of starting this blog in first place. My children. I want them to look at the blog post I've created and be able to re-live their childhood once more just by looking at their pictures and remembering details from their life that otherwise may have been long forgotten.  Part of my late frustration is the fact that there is so much to write about but not enough time in a day for everything. I'm taking two photography classes now (with several weekly assignments), I'm trying to redesign my blogsite, spend some fun time with the kids, clean around the house some, squeeze in some exercise routine for myself (I'm not very successful here), catch up on a book, prepare freshly made vegetable juices for my kids, follow my spiritual practices (that take at least an hour daily to stay sane) and cook meals for the kids all at the same time. Oh and i also feel guilty about our dogs so when i put the kids to bed I usually sit outside and throw a tennis ball to Lilly and Josh while desperately trying to catch up on my e-mails and Facebook. Then and only then it's "me" time. A party that usually starts close to 9pm and ends somewhere around 2am. I'm not trying to vent here but this is what my life has been for the last year or so. I am very lucky that my mom has been here for the last several months  because she has helped tremendously with the kids, preparing home cooked meals for them and keeping the house kind of intact. I don't really know what i will do when she is back in Chicago soon. This is going to be a huge test for me as a mother. Soon to be a single mother. It's hard enough to manage two little kids in the house all day and trying to start a photography business at the same time. If only I didn't have to feel so guilty about everything, things would be much easier for me but I feel guilty a lot and with the unknown future ahead of me, I tremble with fear. On a top of this, I almost stopped doing my spiritual meditation in the morning because the practice requires me to get up an hour earlier than my kids to do an hour worth of meditation. Should i add that such practice must be done entirely on empty stomach? Well, this idea would not be far fetched for a normal functioning person but for someone that just had 5 hours of sleep, is almost impossible and i beat myself over this. And such a shame, because i really think this stuff works and it works in ways that are beyond our normal sphere of comprehension. When i did my practice every day, I felt at ease with everything and everyone i came into contact with. It creates a kind of protective blanket around a person that does it and nothing can really touch them. I miss the feeling of being ONE with everything. I miss GOD around me. I miss feeling complete and purposeful.

Unfortunately, In the midst of all my recent troubles I feel like i have my hands tight up for a while now and that there is no other way around this mess but be patient and wait for the big turn around of events. Is there going to be a turn around at all? I can't help but be a little pessimistic lately, which in turn makes me angry and resentful towards myself. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe it's time for me to re-prioritize what is the most important in life? I can answer that in a heartbeat- my kids! But then again it's hard for me not to think of how i will manage to provide for them and make sure they live a happy and healthy life. I know for certain that in order for them to be happy, I must be happy myself. In order for me to take a good care of them, I must take as good care of myself FIRST. It's as simple as that. I should always remember the words of Corrie Ten Boom: "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today of its strength". Deep down i know that this period is just a bump in the road and that after the rain must come the sunshine and rainbow!


I started to really enjoy the out of focus shots recently. I noticed OOF shots actually can be used, in a really dreamy creative way!